So this is the second time I try to write this article and I had a great introduction. Let's try it again.
Rachel who teaches Arts Fundraising alongside Suzy reminded us on tuesday that it was important to think about our goals and keep a record of it. To make a list of things you'd like to achieve, even if it does not happen. It can help us keep a record of what used to and/or still want, and help us recognise where we are in life. It can also help us see if the things we are doing, the decision we are taking are the 'right' ones and are simply the ones that are going to bring us where we want, or where we think we'll be happy... So here it is:
- Go to Amsterdam for Lewis' birthday
- Steward at Glastonbury
- Work a lot of shifts at the o2 in June-July-August and more
- Go the the graduation ceremony/party and have a blast when I get a 2.1 for my degree
- Go to Cyprus with Lewis for one or two weeks in august - for a month or two in october
- Find a place to live
- Do interesting internships in marketing, fundraising, stage management (e.g. BYO technical trainee scheme), for a dance company...
- Try out a job in a wedding planning agency/organisation to see if I like it (and stick with it if I do)
- Find a way to do some consultancy over the internet
- find a job working for a musical production
- Take contemporary dance classes every week
- Learn to make my own clothes
- Paint
- Make music/play gigs with Lewis
- Participate in race For Life 2011
- Do a hairdressing course
- Go travelling
- ...
I am truly hoping for all these to happen, and more.
.
Dimanche 31 janvier 2010 à 5:28
I am still not any happier. Although I had a pretty good day (afternoon), I visited some bits at the V&A and the exhibition DECODE with Al, Garth, Rachel and Max and it was somewhat enjoyable. However, the rest of the day up until now hasn't been good. I have felt really down, some bad news came my way, I got pissed off at myself, and got into an argument with Lew. This has just piled up to the point where I either go around acting like a zombie, controlling my mind so tightly that nothing can come out, not even the most trivial of thoughts; or I completely break down in tears for so many reasons that just hit me right in the face, hard. I bid you good day (night) and hope to fall asleep more peacefully than yesterday.
I put my plant in a bag today and threw it away. It was dead. It had been dead for a long time now, but I just couldn't bring myself to getting rid of it. I didn't do a lot today, but much was done without me really thinking about it so I couldn't even tell. A lot of clouds were floating in my head, clouding my thoughts, making me feel quite depressed. I did a lot of crying and even contemplated calling someone for a short phone session, but I was feeling too down, and in those moments, I just don't have the strength/courage/will. I really feel like making a new background for my blog, but because I haven't got photoshop on my new laptop, and photofiltre that I normally use is a PC software, I'll have to do it on my old laptop. I'll see if I have enough motivation to do it tonight. I will still be keeping the current one, cos I like it; I'll finally have multiple backgrounds again.
I did a bit of tidying I think, and I took a very long shower. For ages I was just sat down on the cold marble, boiling water falling hard on my back, just thinking of nothingness and trying to calm down. I have been in a panicky feeling for weeks now, and it is very tiring as my heart just beats far too fast all the time. It's like I'm on drugs all the time (that's what cocaine does, isn't it? It increases your heart rate to keep you awake, except with my usual blood pressure, it would tire me so much I'd have to lie down until it wears off...), and there isn't really anything I can do. Sometimes it's really too much, and I take a pill (lexomyl) because often I can't concentrate, can't do any work... if it gets worse I am in full panic attack mode and then again there's nothing I can do! I just don't know what to do...
I am tired a lot of the time, but find it really hard to get into bed and then get to sleep. I am not feeling very well as you can understand from what I have said today, and this situation is not made easier as I haven't written anything for my literature review for a week now.
However, to finish on a slightly happier note, I have had a great girlie talk with two girls from my class and it was very good. 15 minutes of work for our presentation and 40 of gossip... xoxo (gossip girl - inside joke)
I didn't really write lately because I realised not many people came round so it did not matter. Also I started back at uni yesterday and I have a very hard semester ahead! The last one is probably always the hardest, especially because it is soooo scary to finish uni this year and have to think clearly about the future. What a challenge!
Anyway, I haven't been feeling very well lately; people tell me I look well, but that's just not how I'm feeling. After a week and a half at Lewis's, I am now back in London, and it is hard. Today N. is moving to Oxfordshire and I am really not happy about it. I had my last face to face session with her in New Barnet yesterday, and in the middle of the night, I caught myself crying my eyes out because I won't see her in a while and it will take a lot of effort on both our parts to plan face to face sessions again... I mean, if she was a friend, it wouldn't be so hard, but somehow it seems that organising that with a co-counsellor might seem like socialising, when really we only want to help each other with our re-emergence. She likes me, and will miss me, and she listed all the things she likes in me, and that made me really happy. I felt like saying 'dito' and list mine too, but she was clienting so I had to let her speak and be restimulated. I like her so much and I am very sad she's leaving. If only Lewis was around to give me a cuddle and tell me again and again that 'yes you will be strong and clear thinking, and manage to see each other plenty of times in the rest of your lives'. I am contemplating the time that she'll come and live in the same city as me once again...
Christmas Day - 25th December 2009
It's bizarre, I can only upload one photo per article!
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- What is your idea of perfect happiness? Have enough money / time / motivation / energy to do whatever I want: make my own clothes, make my own contemporary dance choreographies, have my own dance company, grow my own vegetables, build three beautiful houses - one in the mountains, one by the sea, one in the city - go in many countries and help many populations, invite all my friends round for new year's eve and my birthday, take lewis on many city breaks, have the perfect wedding, have two daughters - called Juno and Summer
- What is your greatest fear? Feeling so hopeless/helpless I won't actually do any of those things
- What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? So many things that make my life/liking myself so much harder.
- What is the trait you most deplore in others? All those things that I don't like in myself, I don't like in others (so: many). It's a pity, because it is one of the many reasons that prevent me from getting closer to people as I am so judgmental.
- Which living person do you most admire? People who are following their dreams, to the very end; not many people do that.
- What is your great extravagance? Nothing that I do is THAT extravagant, or very different from what other people do I guess. But maybe when my confidence/happiness is up, I just dance like a crazy person, and I love it.
- What is your current state of mind? Actually, if I do a lot of introspection, I know I am slightly depressed, so my current state of mind is 'struggle': to fight the sadness/helplessness/hopelessness that I feel most of the time in order for me to actually be happy. But firstly I need to find out exactly what it is that I want.
- What is the quality you most like in a man? Understanding and tolerance, but if both those things are characteristic of a man that I am not attracted to (and attraction works in mysterious ways) then it doesn't even matter. It means that I'm just not really interested. So the real answer to that question is 'I don't know!' :) ( and i'm not really looking)
- What is the quality you most like in a woman? There are a lot of things I loathe in women, especially those my age. It's hard, as a woman, to find the right person who will be a real friend.
- Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 'fucking bitch' I suppose I have been saying that a lot lately! ;)
- When and where were you happiest? I cannot actually think of any time I was REALLY happy, you know the kind of time where no second is darkened by depressive/irritated/sad thoughts and moods. but I have been 'quite' happy for a while now; happier than when i was in france.
- Who are you favourite writers? It used to be Agatha Christie, in those times I only read thrillers; now it's opened up a bit and I don't really have a favourite writer; I read a lot of different things. Lately I really enjoyed reading 'the alchemist' of Paulo Coelho.
- Which talent would you most like to have? I would really like to be a talented singer who doesn't suffer from stage fright. That would be good. And I would like to be good at making clothes, maybe also become less impatient, so that if I start learning to do something - anything - and I don't pick it up straight away, I can keep trying until I manage to do it!
- Who is your favourite hero of fiction? I don't have any
- Who are your heroes in real life? Not really anyone: most people come and go. But maybe my mum.
- What do you consider your greatest achievement? There was a time when getting my scientific baccalaureat with a mark of 14/20 was like the greatest achievement of my life (all I'd been working towards for years) but then I realised that actually it was because it was my ticket to 'fucking off out of my pretty crappy life'. yeah it wasn't all pink and flowery, it still isn't totally, but I am working on that, far away from biases and controlling people.
- Where would you like to live? Everywhere and nowhere. If possible close to a city, somewhere with the sea and close t the countryside (if possible mountains). Right now I'd say Brighton. Actually if I think about it a lot, I would probably be very happy if I lived in Brighton.
- What is your most treasured possession? My violin, vestige of a dream to become an orchestral musician.
- What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Too many things come to mind.
- What do you most value in your friends? Tolerance and the 'being there for you in best and worse' concept.
- What are your favourite names? Juno and Summer for girls; Sasha and Otis for boys.
- What is that you most dislike? Myself.
- What is your greatest regret? To have believed all the crap my parents told me was true, about life, and about me.
- How would you like to die? In my sleep.
- What is your motto? Keep control and don't ask of others what you wouldn't want to be asked.
