C'était Noël en avance. Aujourd'hui. Et on a eu droit à la neige. C'était beau... Un superbe repas, la famille, les cadeaux. Il faisait chaud, et le sapin brillait de milles feux. Puis il a commencé a neigé, fort. Puis une tempête. Sur la route, pour ramener mamie, on roulait tous a deux à l'heure, pour pas glisser. Et on portait les bottes fourrées, et des grosses écharpes pour pas congeler. Hier soir, il faisait -17°C quand Manon est arrivée a 21h25, et pendant la nuit, encore plus froid. La soirée d'hier était aussi très bonne. Fatigante avec tous ces rires (forts) et toutes ces blagues. C'était chaleureux, et on était contentes de se retrouver toutes ensemble. =D x
ma.vie.a.londres
When you're here, you just learn to enjoy every second of sunny sky and make the most of it. WELCOME.
Groupes
i want pictures here, from those days, but they're too heavy, so it'll have to wait...
Dimanche 20 décembre 2009 à 20:16
Vendredi 18 décembre 2009 à 3:30
Ce que j'aime ici, dans cet appartement a logelbach, ce sont les rires et les blagues et les sourires... mais surtout le rires, a n'en plus finir. Elles me font rire, et je les fais rire. Et elles sont tellement importantes pour moi. Et je ne le dirai jamais assez. Je suis sur la voie de 'guérison' et je vous jure, un jour, elles sauront.
Mercredi 16 décembre 2009 à 20:31
La vie, c'est l'arnaque. Ce serait de la balle de faire ce photo shoot avec mathou. Mais bon si c'est pour partir les mains vides, ou le porte-monnaie vide (et les mains pas si pleines que ça), ben peut être que ça vaut pas tant le coup que ça. Je ne veux pas dépenser mon bonus de licenciée (£250) ou ma bourse de troisième année (£750) sur ça, non. Je veux pouvoir emmener Lewis a Amsterdam pour son anniversaire en Juin =D Et puis peut être avoir encore assez d'argent pour aller le voir en tournée (live drum and bass band)... Ils t'offrent tous des trucs gratuits pour t'amener a dépenser l'argent que tu n'aurai pas dépensé dans d'autres circonstances. Mais bon, tant pis, ce sera pour une autre fois. 
Today I had a great session with N. I was talking about how hard it is for me to go back to France; especially since that time when I had a spasmophilia attack (because, I think, I had just found the perfect person to be spending my time with, who made me feel absolutely great about myself, and I had to leave for two weeks...). But also and even more so, since I stopped having contacts with my dad. I definitely have got mixed feelings on that. But then it brought on other things: for example how I haven't really had a proper family christmas for 11 years and am really unhappy about this (and very jealous of those who do, and very angry about how big this holiday is and the fact that you just can't not hear or see things about it). It brought even more things to my mind. Like how no one ever felt like I was important enough to organise a surprise birthday party for me, or cook three amazing cakes and invite lots of my friends round to celebrate... I guess no one ever had time. Mum was always busy, or ill. Or I had to spend that day with my dad, or it was a period of exams and it just wasn't the right time. Now there just isn't very many people. And it feels like my birthday just doesn't count.
I mean, last christmas, I brought a painting I had painted myself for my mum from London to Colmar (France), and the year before, I'd sent a big package with lots of prezzies for my sister. You know, it cost me time and effort, and brought me joy as well, to make somebody I love happy. But the only time I received some kind of prezzie over the channel, was for my 20th birthday, mum dad and mamie had put their efforts together to send me a gold chain necklace with a 2 and a 0. Before and since then, cards only: oh actually, this year I did not even receive a birthday card from my dad! Just to let you know how people value me in their lives. I didn't get a birthday card from anais either, and it makes me sad, and annoyed. All of it is specifically very irritating and blows my self esteem over.
Lundi 14 décembre 2009 à 2:48
Il part demain. Et ce n'est pas juste. See, Pat part lui aussi. Aujourd'hui, c'était sûrement la dernière des dernières fois que je le voyais. Demain, deux autres semaines sans lui. Maman et Mathilde, oui. Mais pas lui. Déjà 4 mois comme ça (enfin 1 ans et 4 mois) , sur deux ans et 4 mois, c'est PLUS que la moitié. Enfin, ça me laisse le temps d'aller trouver des fringues vintage a Beyond Retro dans Brick Lane! Et puis une de mes dernière séances avec Nici, elle s'en va aussi en janvier! Et puis continuer a bosser pour la fac! Et puis, préparer mes valises, et aller rejoindre le froid de Colmar bbbrrrrrrr....
Father Christmas, I been good this year. I want lots of presents but you have to surprise me.
Vendredi 11 décembre 2009 à 20:57
It makes sense if you just look at the sun and smile. It doesn't make sense when all you know is education; next year i will be graduating (yep, gown and hat and all that jazz!) - still need a whole lot of work and finger crossing and what am I going to do? Anyway, today supervisor said I was doing good for my dissertation and maybe I'll actually get a break for christmas!
consequence of a short but productive conversation.
Vendredi 11 décembre 2009 à 2:29
Ta vie tu peux la rendre intéressante. Faut pas attendre qu'elle devienne intéressante par elle-même; elle est pourrie comme ça la vie.
Jeudi 3 décembre 2009 à 3:19
God that's it. I had the best phone conversation with my mum and a direction. She was great, even though a bit too focused on her own knowledge, but I guessed that's what I do; it's always better to have something to relate to in order to understand new things better.
But now, it's late, I should be going to sleep, and that's when my mind is working at 100 miles/h!! I want some peace in my head. I don't wanna think about the little amount of work I managed to do today. I don't wanna think about the fact that there is no break day coming up. Just a succession of uni work days, uni days, o2 work days, and then in the remaining days, I will be having one or two sessions (thank god!!), have to share my time with lewis, and get those stupid high heel shoes for my sister's christmas present!..
God that's it. I'm crying because she's leaving and I was reminded about abandon today. And mum didn't like me mentioning the death of J and the subsequent possible decrease in the care and protection and attention I received as a child. That was hard, and I'm sure she made a surreal effort not to start an argument, because I think it hurt her. It was obviously not my intention, but maybe I should have chosen my example better, like dad leaving, like this it could not concern her, and even if she got ill, it's not like it was her fault and there is someone to blame. But with the death of J, if the care/protection/attention did actually decrease, then she would feel guilty, but then, this was not her fault either. What a stupid idea I had to say that!
God that's it, I am crying again, and still and my mind is like mush. I miss her already even though she hasn't left! I really need to do more work on that. She's so helpful and how can she remain what she is now if she lives so far away!? My back hurts, I feel like hiding into a little hole and waiting for the hurts to go... I shouldn't have talked about dad, it was a bad idea. I have to do something though, and it hurts, and it relates to abandon and her leaving and it isn't fair.
I want to be strong.
But now, it's late, I should be going to sleep, and that's when my mind is working at 100 miles/h!! I want some peace in my head. I don't wanna think about the little amount of work I managed to do today. I don't wanna think about the fact that there is no break day coming up. Just a succession of uni work days, uni days, o2 work days, and then in the remaining days, I will be having one or two sessions (thank god!!), have to share my time with lewis, and get those stupid high heel shoes for my sister's christmas present!..
God that's it. I'm crying because she's leaving and I was reminded about abandon today. And mum didn't like me mentioning the death of J and the subsequent possible decrease in the care and protection and attention I received as a child. That was hard, and I'm sure she made a surreal effort not to start an argument, because I think it hurt her. It was obviously not my intention, but maybe I should have chosen my example better, like dad leaving, like this it could not concern her, and even if she got ill, it's not like it was her fault and there is someone to blame. But with the death of J, if the care/protection/attention did actually decrease, then she would feel guilty, but then, this was not her fault either. What a stupid idea I had to say that!
God that's it, I am crying again, and still and my mind is like mush. I miss her already even though she hasn't left! I really need to do more work on that. She's so helpful and how can she remain what she is now if she lives so far away!? My back hurts, I feel like hiding into a little hole and waiting for the hurts to go... I shouldn't have talked about dad, it was a bad idea. I have to do something though, and it hurts, and it relates to abandon and her leaving and it isn't fair.
I want to be strong.
I wanted to let you know about something great.
Mercredi 2 décembre 2009 à 2:47
If she had not been there for me today, I probably would still be very upset. Now I am still sad, but I see things more clearly. The situation is not without hope and commitment can be made so we are still there for each other's re-emergence. When I asked if I should talk with N. about it... she said it was a good idea. I just want to make things ok, and hopeful, and committed. I have no intentions or wants to know her as a friend, I know her as my ally for my re-emergence and I am her devoted ally for her re-emergence. I will thus ask her if she is willing to have a session on our feelings about her leaving, as O. said it was a good idea. I will understand better how she feels about the situation, and she will finally understand why I have been so upset in the last week. It scared me so much I had been crying everyday, and struggled to keep it from her; but why should I if she is concerned? Even more now, because I have discharged some of the old feelings in relation to abandon/rejection/powerlessness/ and basically so much of my life being ruled by the fear of letting people in too much and then getting a thousand times more crushed when they end up leaving; now that some of this is gone, I can see more clearly how to deal with the present situation (even though I have so much more work to do, and N. will be able to keep helping me discharge on those feelings) now and thus I should not keep her in the dark. Moreover, if I make a move, she probably will be happy and it will show that I have already come a long way. Honesty / openness / going towards people rather than bury myself in a hole, despite the fear of rejection / getting abandoned / being hated / ..., are at the top of my list. It is a struggle. It was a struggle with N. in the beginning too, and I pushed through and I just kept on opening up more and driving through the fear and uneasiness... I just kept going, and what I feared happened, and it gave me the perfect excuse to start looking at those hurts. They are strong and hard.
Such as the fact that I never really had anyone properly caring for me. Already from an early age with the death of J. And my getting into school at 2 instead of 3 or 4 years old. My dad cheating, my sister being born, my dad leaving and my mum getting ill. So much where people have just left, or disappeared, or stopped doing the job they were supposed to do to be right by me! to care for me! These are the reasons why I am reacting so harshly when N. says she's leaving! And they are not nice reasons. They are very crap. But I will most definitely not let this rule my life no more. Because I am clever and I can work things out, and I can be clear about things and I will work towards not being re-stimulated as much ever again about things like these. This was the most drastic example, since I started RC, that showed me what re-stimulation can be the cause of, and my oh my, I don't know how people live their life without the opportunity to discharge their hurts. I know I would be a lot more depressed if I didn't have the hope of being myself, my clear and bright, and clever and loving and caring and zestful self... I will discharge fear and hurt and loss and pain and anger and embarrassment and so much more and my life will be fuller and so much better. This is what I am working towards, with the help of many loving people. O and N are only the beginning of a network of people I will help and who will help me until we are all fully re-emerged.
http://www.rc.org
Such as the fact that I never really had anyone properly caring for me. Already from an early age with the death of J. And my getting into school at 2 instead of 3 or 4 years old. My dad cheating, my sister being born, my dad leaving and my mum getting ill. So much where people have just left, or disappeared, or stopped doing the job they were supposed to do to be right by me! to care for me! These are the reasons why I am reacting so harshly when N. says she's leaving! And they are not nice reasons. They are very crap. But I will most definitely not let this rule my life no more. Because I am clever and I can work things out, and I can be clear about things and I will work towards not being re-stimulated as much ever again about things like these. This was the most drastic example, since I started RC, that showed me what re-stimulation can be the cause of, and my oh my, I don't know how people live their life without the opportunity to discharge their hurts. I know I would be a lot more depressed if I didn't have the hope of being myself, my clear and bright, and clever and loving and caring and zestful self... I will discharge fear and hurt and loss and pain and anger and embarrassment and so much more and my life will be fuller and so much better. This is what I am working towards, with the help of many loving people. O and N are only the beginning of a network of people I will help and who will help me until we are all fully re-emerged.
http://www.rc.org
just a thought - gnarls barkley
Mardi 1er décembre 2009 à 2:25
'Why is this my life?' is almost everybody's question. (thanks gnarls barkley, you're good at putting words on that confusion that no one can ever talk about.)
Ashamed, upset and sad, is what i feel. So why is this my life? it's not what happens, it's what i feel that's the problem. Restimulated like never before, or maybe i'm just a bit more aware... and it's killing me.
I want her to stay. But I just shouldn't feel so bad about her leaving. I opened myself far too much, and now I'm getting hurt. But really I'm only re-living those feelings that hurt me when others abandoned me.
But i'm fine. /
Ashamed, upset and sad, is what i feel. So why is this my life? it's not what happens, it's what i feel that's the problem. Restimulated like never before, or maybe i'm just a bit more aware... and it's killing me.
I want her to stay. But I just shouldn't feel so bad about her leaving. I opened myself far too much, and now I'm getting hurt. But really I'm only re-living those feelings that hurt me when others abandoned me.
But i'm fine. /
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