If she had not been there for me today, I probably would still be very upset. Now I am still sad, but I see things more clearly. The situation is not without hope and commitment can be made so we are still there for each other's re-emergence. When I asked if I should talk with N. about it... she said it was a good idea. I just want to make things ok, and hopeful, and committed. I have no intentions or wants to know her as a friend, I know her as my ally for my re-emergence and I am her devoted ally for her re-emergence. I will thus ask her if she is willing to have a session on our feelings about her leaving, as O. said it was a good idea. I will understand better how she feels about the situation, and she will finally understand why I have been so upset in the last week. It scared me so much I had been crying everyday, and struggled to keep it from her; but why should I if she is concerned? Even more now, because I have discharged some of the old feelings in relation to abandon/rejection/powerlessness/ and basically so much of my life being ruled by the fear of letting people in too much and then getting a thousand times more crushed when they end up leaving; now that some of this is gone, I can see more clearly how to deal with the present situation (even though I have so much more work to do, and N. will be able to keep helping me discharge on those feelings) now and thus I should not keep her in the dark. Moreover, if I make a move, she probably will be happy and it will show that I have already come a long way. Honesty / openness / going towards people rather than bury myself in a hole, despite the fear of rejection / getting abandoned / being hated / ..., are at the top of my list. It is a struggle. It was a struggle with N. in the beginning too, and I pushed through and I just kept on opening up more and driving through the fear and uneasiness... I just kept going, and what I feared happened, and it gave me the perfect excuse to start looking at those hurts. They are strong and hard.
Such as the fact that I never really had anyone properly caring for me. Already from an early age with the death of J. And my getting into school at 2 instead of 3 or 4 years old. My dad cheating, my sister being born, my dad leaving and my mum getting ill. So much where people have just left, or disappeared, or stopped doing the job they were supposed to do to be right by me! to care for me! These are the reasons why I am reacting so harshly when N. says she's leaving! And they are not nice reasons. They are very crap. But I will most definitely not let this rule my life no more. Because I am clever and I can work things out, and I can be clear about things and I will work towards not being re-stimulated as much ever again about things like these. This was the most drastic example, since I started RC, that showed me what re-stimulation can be the cause of, and my oh my, I don't know how people live their life without the opportunity to discharge their hurts. I know I would be a lot more depressed if I didn't have the hope of being myself, my clear and bright, and clever and loving and caring and zestful self... I will discharge fear and hurt and loss and pain and anger and embarrassment and so much more and my life will be fuller and so much better. This is what I am working towards, with the help of many loving people. O and N are only the beginning of a network of people I will help and who will help me until we are all fully re-emerged.
http://www.rc.org
Such as the fact that I never really had anyone properly caring for me. Already from an early age with the death of J. And my getting into school at 2 instead of 3 or 4 years old. My dad cheating, my sister being born, my dad leaving and my mum getting ill. So much where people have just left, or disappeared, or stopped doing the job they were supposed to do to be right by me! to care for me! These are the reasons why I am reacting so harshly when N. says she's leaving! And they are not nice reasons. They are very crap. But I will most definitely not let this rule my life no more. Because I am clever and I can work things out, and I can be clear about things and I will work towards not being re-stimulated as much ever again about things like these. This was the most drastic example, since I started RC, that showed me what re-stimulation can be the cause of, and my oh my, I don't know how people live their life without the opportunity to discharge their hurts. I know I would be a lot more depressed if I didn't have the hope of being myself, my clear and bright, and clever and loving and caring and zestful self... I will discharge fear and hurt and loss and pain and anger and embarrassment and so much more and my life will be fuller and so much better. This is what I am working towards, with the help of many loving people. O and N are only the beginning of a network of people I will help and who will help me until we are all fully re-emerged.
http://www.rc.org