Today I had a great session with N. I was talking about how hard it is for me to go back to France; especially since that time when I had a spasmophilia attack (because, I think, I had just found the perfect person to be spending my time with, who made me feel absolutely great about myself, and I had to leave for two weeks...). But also and even more so, since I stopped having contacts with my dad. I definitely have got mixed feelings on that. But then it brought on other things: for example how I haven't really had a proper family christmas for 11 years and am really unhappy about this (and very jealous of those who do, and very angry about how big this holiday is and the fact that you just can't not hear or see things about it). It brought even more things to my mind. Like how no one ever felt like I was important enough to organise a surprise birthday party for me, or cook three amazing cakes and invite lots of my friends round to celebrate... I guess no one ever had time. Mum was always busy, or ill. Or I had to spend that day with my dad, or it was a period of exams and it just wasn't the right time. Now there just isn't very many people. And it feels like my birthday just doesn't count.
I mean, last christmas, I brought a painting I had painted myself for my mum from London to Colmar (France), and the year before, I'd sent a big package with lots of prezzies for my sister. You know, it cost me time and effort, and brought me joy as well, to make somebody I love happy. But the only time I received some kind of prezzie over the channel, was for my 20th birthday, mum dad and mamie had put their efforts together to send me a gold chain necklace with a 2 and a 0. Before and since then, cards only: oh actually, this year I did not even receive a birthday card from my dad! Just to let you know how people value me in their lives. I didn't get a birthday card from anais either, and it makes me sad, and annoyed. All of it is specifically very irritating and blows my self esteem over.
I hope you keep up your "self esteem" anyway.
Je viens sur ton blog depuis longtemps (quand études et examen me laissent le loisir de lire les blogs des autres) et je crois que tu dois absolument garder cette estime de toi-même, car tout, dans ton blog, montre que tu es une fille assez formidable. Je te souhaite quelques joies pour l'année qui débute...