I want a piercing on top of my lip in the centre, I want high waisted denim shorts, I want a treble clef tattoo at the top of my neck and a circle design under my tribal butterfly on my back. I want to move in with Lewis, get a programming job for a dance organisation and get a nice flat and a dog (maybe that breed Fran's parents used to have puppies of, I found a picture that looked like one and they called it 'labrador retriever' but I know the dog I'm thinking of has another name for it; or a sheep dog, they are so cool)... Actually Lewis and I would be happy living on a farm, with a barn, running open mic nights at the weekend and working a job that we like in the week. That would mean making money and saving money. I just have that thought, more and more these days, that Lewis and I are meant to be. We are meant to be together for a long time. I do imagine us perfectly, having a nice but modest wedding, getting a dog, a nice place to live somewhere, and then having babies. I imagine my mum visiting us, and then when she retires, moving closer to us, at least to the west of France so that she only needs to take a boat and a short train to see us and not a plane! I have flashes and dreams in my mind of what kind of life I want for myself, and I know that includes Lewis, and making it work. There are just so many things one can do in their life, one can make happen. The only annoying aspect of that possibility is to have to make choices, and sometimes those choices will lead to something we didn't expect. And as humans we never really expect the unexpected to be good; it's just in our nature to be quite pessimistic. At least it is in mine. It feels like I don't want to choose anything because I am so scared it will be the 'wrong' decision/choice. In consequence I stay stuck, no going forward in my life and simultaneously I don't seize chances that might come to me as I don't give my mind space to recognise them and I also usually just takes what comes instead of choosing for myself, stupidly thinking what comes cannot be worse than a 'bad' choice. Truth is, there are no bad/wrong choices; whatever happens happens, and we always learn from it. The quicker we learn to recognise what we want, the quicker we can realise whether the decision taken was a 'good' one, as in the one that takes you in the nicest and quickest way to where you want to be. One of the tricks is to try and enjoy the journey. Maybe there is no real goal, maybe it's just some sort of fantasy, but if you don't enjoy the journey, you end up old and senile, realising far too late that you wasted your life cursing your choices rather than enjoying the challenges and life lessons that came your way.
I mean it's all great and stuff to know the science of life, sort of, but putting it into practice is so hard. For example in the life of any woman, we have to suffer premenstrual tension and many people in our life remind us of this syndrome when we have not managed to notice the reason for our irritability/anger/stress/anxiety/... I have been feeling this way since this morning and this will last until next monday when I start my periods. Already this crap is making us enjoy our life less, and probably enjoy being human/a woman much less. However, I might be able to decide to take the decision everyday to do what I want and what I see fit so that I get to where I want to be. I have some idea of what my values are and what I want to achieve in life, so why not try and edge towards that. As those who read might understand, I want a family and a job I like (probably in dance programming). So I will try and work towards that. First goal: get my degree (even a first seems feasible right now since my first semester i got a first in every module!!)!
I mean it's all great and stuff to know the science of life, sort of, but putting it into practice is so hard. For example in the life of any woman, we have to suffer premenstrual tension and many people in our life remind us of this syndrome when we have not managed to notice the reason for our irritability/anger/stress/anxiety/... I have been feeling this way since this morning and this will last until next monday when I start my periods. Already this crap is making us enjoy our life less, and probably enjoy being human/a woman much less. However, I might be able to decide to take the decision everyday to do what I want and what I see fit so that I get to where I want to be. I have some idea of what my values are and what I want to achieve in life, so why not try and edge towards that. As those who read might understand, I want a family and a job I like (probably in dance programming). So I will try and work towards that. First goal: get my degree (even a first seems feasible right now since my first semester i got a first in every module!!)!